Identified by the others as a "black sheep," this one goes on to achieve more life success than predicted by the family. And often outstrips his siblings.
One has only to recall the Biblical account of Joseph ( of the amazing colorful coat), to know this misperception has ancient roots. Joseph gets sold off into slavery by his many older brothers out of intense jealousy of his father's favoritism. One would expect a bad end for poor Joe. Miraculously, instead, Joseph undergoes severe trials but ends up as pharoah's man in charge and is found living large in the land of the pyramids. Poetically, his brothers live to see this and are forced to humble themselves before him.
Those who counsel families professionally, often observe that the "identified patient," tagged as the cause of all familial woes, is actually acting out a normal response to to the others' craziness. (Thank God i got you all into therapy)!
A recent family reunion offered rich food for rumination. I met a couple who'd both fled dysfunctional families by moving several states away in order to raise their own children out of the stream of constant drama. They recounted tales of elderly parents being financially sucked dry, siblings in and out of jail, multiple marital disasters,and teen pregnancies in the present generation of grandkids. Incredibly, their own two sons had grown up to become respectable college graduates with solid values who were now best buds with them both. And, as a testament to their inner strength, their own marriage had survived the sudden death of a child.
Yet, as I watched the diverse families converge on one another in close quarters at this reunion, I noted that this couple was not embraced as wholeheartedly as one might expect. Indeed, it appeared that the more dysfunctional ones clung to one another (for moral support?)!
Who are the black sheep? Who gets to decide? Am I the black sheep in my family, teased since childhood as such because I alone shared our parents' dark hair color? Tagged again in adolescence when I found my interests lay in Jungian psychology, and my siblings in the world of camping equipment and cameras? In adulthood always one step out of touch with the pack because I married and had children ahead of the rest; held down a fulltime demanding job and couldn't always make time to keep up with their lives?
Only in time are our true colors revealed. Now, with more gray hairs than black, I can relax and relate to my siblings on my own terms. There can be no harsh judgement as success speaks for itself: marriage that has stood the trials and temptations of thirty years, three young adult children with good hearts and minds (and jobs)! Retirement allows me to travel more often and connect. I may not act like a black sheep anymore, but I still wear the difference on the inside.
And that same difference keeps me on a solitary track. I've finally accepted that.
Who are the black sheep? Who gets to decide? You can. Embrace it--if that's your lot. Because in most cases, I suspect, it's that lonely rut filled road of the outcast that leads inexplicably to a deeper, more fulfilling life.
